winglish.
Thought I'd gotten past teenage angst. Apparently not.Friends? I tried. I really did. But you couldn't even bothered to be civilised. Maybe you need time. Maybe I need to stop finding excuses for you. Maybe I need to find myself again before I can find you. You said you'd call me when you're ready. I'm holding you to that.So, goodbye for now. Thank you for the memories.Now you want to be free, so I let you fly.
Char's right. No point forcing myself to be zen-like when I just want to cry my heart out. Emotional purging is the only outlet I know. I know it's been a while, but I still can't force myself to let it go just yet. Maybe it's time to throw up my hands and admit defeat, I can't let go. So much, so long. Most mornings I still wake up feeling like the carpet has been yanked from beneath my feet. I can't help it. When your heart's been torn apart the way mine was, you'd know why. I don't deny I still feel for him. I really love(d) him. For so long he was the centre of my universe, the other half of me. For so long, I lived in the knowledge that I was loved, and that he'd be there right next to me no matter what. Now, I have to learn how to journey on without him.
All this time, I try not to think about where we used to go, what we used to do. But the memories just come rushing back no matter how much I try to suppress them. I can't go anywhere or do anything without something reminding me of what we did at this particular place on that particular day. Maybe you think I'm wallowing in misery. But when you've had something that meant the world to you ripped from you, you won't be able to get over it too. I never used to think that people could actually feel heartache because i always thought your grey matter controlled your emotions, not your heart. That day, I had a lump the size of an orange in my throat and a boulder sitting on my chest where the heart is supposed to be. Even breathing was painful. I still feel it often but I think I can take it better these days. I'm not saying I won't ever heal, but like what everyone says, it takes time. I just don't know how long.I thank God for having had him for the brief period of time. I had hoped he would be The One, but things don't usually turn out the way we'd like them to. Though I don't have him anymore, I still have our memories. It's better than nothing I suppose. I still struggle everyday, trying to be content that we had what we had together. But sometimes, it's just not enough. I wonder if he still thinks about me, if he still feels anything for me, if he still cares. Stupid, I know, but right now, my heart is hijacking my brain. I read the stuff he wrote to me and wonder if he really actually meant them, and if he did, how could things have turned out this way. How could one short week screw up my entire life. I try to occupy myself, but then my mind takes on a life of its own and it always goes back to the time when we were so happy. I'm so used to leaning on him that I still feel now that I can't get anything done without him by my side. Lord, what would I give. To see his smile, to smell his smell, to hear him laugh, to hug him, to kiss his forehead, to touch him, to hold his hand again. For him to smell my hair, to give me one of his special hugs, to kiss me on the forehead and tell me he loves me, to go see the stars with me at east coast, to sit and enjoy the breeze with me at the esplanade, to walk home with me from gardens again. For us to do the many things we haven't done together yet.
No point asking for answers to questions that he will never answer. I'll never understand his logic anyway. I do wish I had handled some issues in a better way. I wish I had let him know more often how much he meant to me. I wish I could take back some of the things i said to him. I wish I had loved him better, that I had been less demanding. I wish I made him laugh more often. I wish I had smiled at him the night he told me he rushed down from camp just to meet me and see me smile. I wish, oh how I wish, that all this would just be a nightmare, and that when I wake up screaming, he'd be there to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay again because he'd be there by my side no matter what.I haven't regretted anything since the day I took his hand. 31st January 2004. I'll never forget. If I could turn back time, I'd still choose to be with him, but maybe I'd have handled some things differently. I don't know about him, but from him, I have learnt the meaning of unconditional love. He loved me, at least I think he did, inspite of me. He accepted me, flaws and all. I don't claim to be perfect, but to me, ours was a perfect love. Despite all the stupid fights and things I did and said that hurt him. I'd rather hurl myself in front of a train than see him hurt. Maybe there were more problems, but I really don't remember now because all my memories of us are the sweet ones. The ones where we were so happy. He said that this was one of the problems, us never properly settling problems, that we never bothered to solve them. But I think, if they only make us unhappy, why bring them up again?Please understand that I'm going to be like this for a while. It's like a wound. When healing, infection sets in. It becomes swollen and painful, oozing blood and pus. But after a while, it scabs over. It'll be itchy, but the pain is going away. I scratch at it and it starts to bleed again. It will keep scabbing over, and I'll keep picking at it, until one day, I get sick and tired. Then finally, new skin will grow over the wound. There will be a scar, but at last, I will be able to wear it proudly and say, "I survived". I wish. This wound's got gangrene now.--Love is not to forget but to forgive, not to see but to understand, not to hear but to listen, not to let go but to hold on.--I took 2 nights, alot of tears and plenty of heartache to write this. I'm so tired baby, so tired. Maybe I'm starting to heal. No, fuck it, scratch that. I'm never going to be able to escape this hell. Stop telling me I will because you're not me, you'll never understand. Don't know how the world could have moved on when I've been on the floor since that day, trying to gather up the shards of my broken heart.
I am trying very hard, really. All I ask is for you to be more patient with me, to give me some more time. Because it's really not easy.
Maybe I am dwelling too much on the past. But I can only say that this is because I cared too much, I gave it my all. It's not something to be forgotten so easily. If it was, then we would have just wasted our time. What's most painful is not the time we had together, but the intensity of what we had. I will miss the time we shared. It was something really special, what we had, the bond we shared. What we had was REAL.
So just let me mourn awhile longer. It's too difficult to let go of everything right now. Let me hold on to the memories. They're all I have left.
I'm feeling better. Even I believe that. All thanks to the friends who have been with me throughout all this.Went to MOS with reina, may, ngiam, dhanesh and inami last night. Best time I've had since my life turned upside down. Although music wasn't that great, I really enjoyed the company and dancing. Especially the boozing in my house before that. I've really missed you maymay.As for you, I've been trying to pick myself up, and I really need your help. We may not be what we used to be, but your presence in my life is still very much cherished. I'm just glad that we had that talk last week. Now that we've sorted things out, here's to another kind of memories.
For you Davson, all that we had, all that we were. To us now, all over again.
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way Remember me this way
Am learning to slow down and try to take one step at a time. There is nothing more I can do but wait. I feel defeated and aimless, lost. It's been a trying time. Too much turmoil went on in my life during the past month.
If only I could turn back time. I'd try to be less demanding, more understanding, a better listener and observer. Maybe then I could have known what went wrong and prevented this whole thing from happening. But of course, this is just wishful thinking on my part.
I keep telling myself to be strong, to pick myself up. But truth is, I can't. For too long, he was my rock, my pillar of strength, my constant. I don't want to say this, but I need him. I hate weekends now. Used to look forward to it because we had entire days together. Now, it's just like any other day, only lonelier and emptier. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm reminded of the things we used to do together, all that we shared. He meant the world to me, he still is everything to me. The only thing I can do now is wait, take things one step at a time. I can only be thankful that he's still going to be a part of my life. A boy best friend can't be a bad thing, can it?
Currently finding solace in friends and God. Thank you all who have heard me rant, tell grandmother stories, kept me companied while I cried, and offered me words of comfort and support. I am so glad I have all of you with me. Like Jo said, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
As for you, I hope you'll remember all that we had together, the good and bad. I had the time of my life, I hope you did too.
Thanks for all the memories baby. I love you.
